With horses comes challenges, with challenges comes setbacks. I realise most of my content and pages from my journals appear like sunshine and roses in terms of having and working with horses. But ‘tis not the case. The amount of challenges I have had with Phantom and Da Vinci cannot be numbered because there have been too many. I love them, and would do anything for them, but they drive me mad as well sometimes.

Just when I think something is going great, it turns out its not. Just when I think there is progress, I am back to square one. Not all the time, but sometimes. With Phantom, there is a setback which I have failed to mention these past few weeks. I remember writing about what a delight she is to ride, how it feels like a dream to ride her, my own adopted horse. I remember the feeling of fear initially, the confusion, then the excitement and the relief that followed, all in the space of a few rides.

But now, all that seems to be changing…and I am unsure as to why. I feel disheartened, disappointed but most of all as if it’s my fault. She has started bucking when I have ridden her, the first time at my last riding lesson, but I blamed the moody, grey and windy weather. She was fine in the beginning, and then all of a sudden she just wanted to throw me off. Eventually I had no choice but to hop off. We checked the saddle, the girth, the bridle but everything was as it had been before at the first few lessons.

Then the following week, when I was going to my lesson again, my aunt suggested I walk on her and ride her there, which was nerve wrecking and exciting to think about. I did manage to get on, but soon after every step was a small buck. I was confused and scared until I heard something dragging on the floor. It was the girth. The billets on one side had snapped and I am surprised I didn’t fall straight off the side. I assumed she had been bucking to warn me about the lack of girth.

Long story short, I managed to replace the billets at Equestrian House in Kyalami, which was great and exciting. I had to have the reins stitched up as well because she stood on them and freaked out and snapped those as well. I went to collect the repaired tack, preparing in my mind to ride her that afternoon, by myself in the paddock, not at a lesson or anything fancy. I thought we would have a nice stroll, have Da Vinci tag along behind us in the field.

I had everything planned out.

But when I tacked her up and was ready to get on, she didn’t want me to. She kept moving away to prevent me from jumping on. I did shout at her and I feel bad about it but I didn’t understand what the issue was. On the ground we are best friends, playful, trusting of one another, but for some reason when it comes to riding, it all falls away. I managed to get on, eventually, after arguing with her, but when I was on I wasn’t as happy as I usually was, my fear taking over and confusion returning.

I remembered then that she was an easily spooked horse, a “new” horse still and unpredictable. I didn’t plan on doing anything crazy with her, just a simple walk, which we did in the ring a few times for her to get used to it and to get comfortable with me on her.

I was brave enough to urge her on out the ring and to walk in the big paddock, fear swallowing all the joy and happiness. I managed to stay calm, always softly talking to her as she was being spooked by the veld birds. Every unknown sound or movement evoked her to pin her ears forward and breathe heavily, like a dragon. I will admit, I had been fantasising about riding her without a saddle, but with every step she took, my heart sunk at the realisation of how far we are from bare back riding. It was still fun and I was happy to be on her, but when we had done more or less two laps and I was chatting to my aunt who was standing by the gate, she began her bucking again. I tried to urge her on but she wouldn’t move forward, just kept giving small bucks. I was upset, hurt, disappointed. If I didn’t want to be thrown off, I had to just hop off, because she made it clear that was her objective.

I jumped off and sighed and led her back to the ring. I was already going to walk her to the ring while I was still on her, but she insisted with her bucking that she wanted me to get off right then and there. I removed her tack and ended up lunging her for a bit before letting her go. It is hurtful, because I thought we were building a solid bond and connection, that we were getting closer and closer to trust, to a completely formed soul bond. I couldn’t help but feel down about it. I thought I was doing everything right. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Maybe the saddle really is uncomfortable on her, which is bad because I truthfully cannot afford to get a saddle fitter in, and no idea when I will be able to. With every setback, it seems that money is necessary to fix it, and if there is no money, then everything is delayed.

Then I wondered if maybe I am too heavy for her…and all these negative thoughts came tumbling down on me. I love her obviously and want the best for her but as someone who was once passionate about riding and wants to get back into it, it is a disappointing situation when you don’t know why the horse you adopted all of a sudden bucks you during every ride.

This is not to say that I am giving up and going to never try ride her again or just abandon the idea, but as I said, the progress is delayed due to expenses, which is not ideal, but it is reality. I am just grateful to even have horses to wake up to, whether they love me or not. Whether they will let me ride or not. To those riders out there doubting themselves, the fact that you are doubting yourself means you are down-to-earth enough to know that you have a conscious and a heart and want to do things the right way rather than pushing your horses’ limits. I have so much self-doubt at the moment, but it’s because I love her and care about her and I would never want to destroy our friendship over something as performative as riding.

I will do my best to solve the situation on my own, but I cannot get too far without professional assistance, as I have no clue about the right saddles, or if something is paining her or if she is simply being a brat; I don’t know. I would rather not come up with my own assumptions, so I will wait until I can afford it.

It is not always sunshine and roses, but it is worth all the challenges, setbacks, down days, forceful inner reflections and hard times. I feel so rewarded in having my horses, no matter what.